An Anonymous Journal

It was a beautiful, sunny day. The kiddos are being their typically adorable selves, husband and I had gone out the night before, and I was excited to continue with the new visual daily plan for our boy. He did so well with it during the week and I can’t wait to show husband how son shines when he has the structure he craves.

I tried explaining how it works but husband was too impatient to listen, insisting he’s not stupid and he saw what I had done. I tried again to explain there’s a hyper-specific order and methodology to the process he’s come to expect and getting it wrong will render the entire thing a flop. He was defensive and annoyed, but he gave me another 3 seconds to tell him everything I thought he needed to know before he rushed off to take over.

Needless to say, the entire thing was a flop. But it wasn’t because he did it differently, failed to be structured and consistent and present, or because he moved the timeline around at will. It was because TV was on the plan. Because any suggestion that maybe my husband was arrogant and dismissive, which caused him to misunderstand how this thing works, couldn’t possibly be the case.

I knew better than to tell him how I actually felt about the plan. Rather, I elected to tell him I thought we needed a better plan. Because even that elicited an angry, childish temper tantrum as we were en route to meet our neighbours. I hate to imagine what would have happened if he knew what I actually thought.

Sometimes I sit and ask myself why I don’t just leave. He isn’t nice to me, he’s extremely childish at best when it comes to tackling problems or working through a challenge together, I feel totally overwhelmed because I hate the way his time with the kids is 80% how can i get them occupied and shut them up so I can escape to my phone/ipad and 20% actual presence.

Vent alert. I’ve just got to get this off of my chest.

He is always on edge and short fused, and the kids feel it. He thinks he hides it well but he doesn’t. He almost never explodes and properly blows his top, but holy hell it’s always tense because he looks like a pressure cooker that might burn the house down if it’s moved in the wrong direction. But if you say anything he’ll reply with, “you need to calm down. I was having a wonderful day until you had to say ____ (I.e. you seem upset)”. It’s insane.

Here’s a list of the reasons I don’t leave:

• I want the children to have stability
• We do have fun together when there are no major stresses going on.
• I wouldn’t want to hurt him by leaving because I know it would be devastating.
• I really worry about his inattentiveness around the kids. At least if I’m there I can hopefully keep them safe as much as possible.

Okay I’m heading off now. Will be back to rant again soon I’m sure.