An Anonymous Journal

So the husband and I have had the same exhausting arguments, which isn’t news. What is different, though, is there seems to be a tiny window of consideration peeking in through the fog.

A couple of days ago, he acknowledged that something he had done was uncalled for. I can’t recall exactly what it was, but whatever it was it wasn’t significant or a big deal in any way. What WAS a big deal was that he acknowledged some form of error on his side. Sounds silly, but it gives me some hope that maybe we might be able to communicate normally someday.

Then we had another disagreement and I said the same thing I always do, “Stop trying to dictate how I am and am not allowed to feel.” Instead of responding with his usual gaslighting or dismissive and/or patronising like, “why don’t you just work on controlling yourself and calming down” comments, he stopped talking for a second and actually expressed a genuine desire to understand.

This is significant because he’s always been allergic to any negative emotion existing at all. Notice I didn’t say he’s allergic to outbursts. Because that’s not it. To him, the existence of the unwanted emotion IS the outburst.

But these tiny little breadcrumbs of hope have been coming quite a lot over the last few days.

Probably too early to let my guard down too much, or get myself too hopeful about a normal relationship. But I’m feeling a dose of optimism!