An Anonymous Journal

Gosh, last night was a doozy that seemingly came out of nowhere. If I peel back the layers, though, I suppose the real driver of his fury was the fact that he had to look after the kids for a few hours while I worked during the day. He could never bring himself to acknowledge such a pathetic reality, so instead he waited for an opportunity to launch into a massive character assault.

And he found the perfect chance.

Looking to grab a quick snack from the cupboard, I sighed when I saw the chocolate chip cookies in the cupboard were just another empty box (one of husbands favourite things to do) so I said the unforgivable:

“Can we please stop putting empty containers back in the cupboards?” – in a frustrated tone

That was it.

And the tirade that followed was pretty destructive. It shook me. It shook my faith in everything we’ve built.

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A little background: When we met, I was extremely career driven. I built my career from the ground up and eventually launched my own consultancy practice, which was generating a considerable sum annually.

In spite of my earnings being well over double that of my husband’s, we put it on the back burner when having children.

All required career sacrifices were mine to make. The family focus is his career. So inevitably, my earnings are a pittance these days. And the respect or consideration for this work is non-existent.

Apart from the times he feels like appearing more supportive than he is by offering to look after the kids while I travel for work. As if three days is going to fix 5 years of annihilation.

He’s never allowed me to work from home. Just constant gaslighting if I ask him to help with both kids (god forbid).

So we have this arrangement where, when Simon is at work, another person can help fill the spot he leaves behind. There is no such coverage for my absence, of course, because that’s the world we’ve made.

———

NOW FOR THE TIRADE

I’ll just summarize with quotes. It’s easier that way.

“You have no fucking gratitude for what I do for you.”

“I spend every penny I have on YOU!”

“YOU need help with the kids. What do I do?! I pay eye watering sums of money to hire a nanny! Still not enough for you!”

“I’ve bought you this house! What thanks do I get?!”

“I pay for vacations. No fucking thank you in sight!”

“I buy you a car that you don’t need (the family car). Still no fucking gratitude. I’m fucking sick of it!”

——-

Rather than reply to each insulting comment, I’ll just say I really hate him right now.

What a horrible tirade.

This entire time. Our entire life.

It’s never been a partnership. It’s never been a life we’ve been building together.

It’s been nothing more than one massive fucking ego trip. One man who lives in the dark ages, robs me of everything I was good at and then uses the very thing he took from me as a weapon against me.

What have I done?

How have I ended up here?

How is this my life?