An Anonymous Journal

I did it. I’ve finally done it.

After years of knowing I should, I’ve told husband I want a divorce. I’ve said that before but never followed through.

I’m following through this time.

I’ve discovered his love language, but it’s not one of the five I’ve read about in books. It’s one they don’t write about because most people don’t think this way. My soon-to-be ex-husband’s love language is control.

He will do anything to maintain control, and losing control sends him into a tailspin.

Now, this divorce will be the ultimate loss of control for him. And I’m not delusional enough to think he’ll just go along with losing this much control peacefully. But I am being careful and slowly pulling back my autonomy, my independence, my phone access, my email passwords, my shop keys, and control of my schedule and priorities. One tiny bit of control taken away at a time. I’m hoping this keeps him from losing his shit completely when he realises I’m actually leaving this time.

Is it terrible that I want him to find someone else? Maybe that would make it easier for me to escape, if his focus is elsewhere. Gosh, maybe he finds someone who is super excited about being a step mom and really sweet. He’s always dated nice girls so I suspect the next one will be just as kind. Fingers crossed

A few bits of control I’m consciously letting him keep:

• The Narrative – I’m saying very little to people I know he will need to lean on. He will need to character assassinate in the worst way when reality strikes, and I think he will actually need that. So if that means people think I’m the devil incarnate, no stresses. Anyone who knows me and believes the horrible stuff I couldn’t even guess he’ll say to get them on side, isn’t someone I’ll be sad to lose. So off they go.
• His Grandiosity – I won’t, apart from my close confidants, do anything to pierce the picture-perfect nice guy image he’s spent decades crafting for himself. Losing that would hurt him a lot more than losing the family structure.

Those two thinks are the most important to him. I’m hopeful if I can manage this separation and divorce in a way that allows him to keep those things in tact, we might be able to do this peacefully.

It’s been almost a month since I took my wedding ring off, and he’s been great and patient and lovely. I have 11 years of history that tells me each quiet and peaceful spell is followed by a tsunami of emotional and psychological abuse.

But maybe. Just maybe. I can play my cards right here and end this amicably. Xx