My husband and I have been together for around 10 years, married for most of it, living together before marriage for a bit of it, etc. We have two children under the age of 5, and life is BUSY. But the business of life isn’t what I struggle with.
It’s the broken marriage I am having a hard time handling. And the relationship has always been this way. Before and after children, we have seen multiple counselors. It’s always the same story. Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim, Offend (DARVO). Every time. Always the same.
I’ve spent countless hours researching and trying to determine whether my husband is a narcissist or whether he’s just autistic, not intending to cause the harm he does when he behaves the way he does. Prior to learning about autism, I was positive narcissisicm was the culprit here. All of the traits that stand out to me are:
- Mr Charming: He is the coolest, nicest, most considerate, funny, gentleman of a guy to everyone except me. Super charming, and he prides himself on being the nice guy that everyone loves. He succeeds in doing that, because everyone does love him. He’s great (to everyone except me).
- He is Never Wrong: Now, let me qualify that. He will admit to being wrong about his failure to properly understand someone else’s inadequacies, or he will admit he should have considered more about how someone else was deficient in some way. But the end result of each “admission of his part” is always that someone else was the actual culprit. He was simply not as good as he should have been about accommodating for the actual guilty parties’ problems.
- He is Never Sorry: See above. Same as being wrong, except he’s sorry for someone else’s reaction or hurt feelings. He isn’t sorry he did the things, because that would mean he’s wrong. Which of course he isn’t.
- He Shows No Empathy: This frustrates him to no end. He cannot even understand what empathy is. But suggest that’s the case and he will tell you you’re wrong.
- He Always Lies to Me: About anything and everything. Always. He’s never done anything major like cheat or commit any grave offense (that I know of). But I’m not allowed to say he’s lying when that’s what he’s doing, because that would involve a massive verbal assault about how I am so horrible to him and treat him so terribly by saying “these terrible things” (i.e. when I say “you aren’t telling me the truth”).
- He Always Walks 100 Paces Ahead: If I ask him to walk closer, he gets annoyed, tells me to walk faster, or just ignores me. He does sometimes try a bit to keep at my pace but is generally annoyed that I’m making him do this.
- He’s Extremely Impatient: If he decides something needs to happen right now, it happens right now. And he is incredibly annoyed if I am too slow. It doesn’t matter what it is. We can be trying to leave the house at a time he decided 5 minutes ago was in 5 minutes, we can be at the grocery store for 3 minutes when he decides he’s finished so we have to leave NOW, we can be on a night out with friends and he decides we’re leaving and that’s it… 60 seconds until blast off, he can ask me a question and needs an answer RIGHT NOW, I can be tending to my child who’s just fallen and he wants details regarding the nature of the injury and how it happened while I’m still trying to sort it out. He’s just the world’s most impatient man!
With all of this being said, I’ve always believed he doesn’t intend to be rude or horrible when he behaves this way. He just doesn’t know how to do it. He is genuinely discouraged when I’m disappointed with something he said or did. He just doesn’t apologize, empathize, admit he’s wrong, tell the truth, or offer any form of affection.
Our 3 year old son was recently diagnosed with autism, which got me thinking. Maybe he’s autistic? So I look at the above issues with autism as an explanation and come up with:
- Mr Charming: Could he be an expert masker, having spent his entire life conforming to a world that doesn’t understand him? Learning his own coping mechanisms along the way, one of which being Mr. Nice Guy?
- He is Never Wrong: Could his lack of inherent understanding of the finer nuances of social norms and expectations, particularly in relationships, be the reason he genuinely believes he is doing the right thing at all times? Isn’t rigid thinking an autistic trait for some?
- He is Never Sorry: Same rigid thinking. Someone who doesn’t believe he is autistic is being asked to say sorry for something he doesn’t think he did. Wouldn’t that rigid thinking mean he doesn’t say sorry?
- He Shows No Empathy: Maybe he feels it but just can’t work out how to show it? Like my son. He definitely feels empathy. He just can’t show it. Maybe that’s whats happening here?
- He Always Lies to Me: Can’t reconcile this one to autism. But maybe this is just your ordinary, run of the mill, crap behavior and character flaw.
- He Always Walks 100 Paces Ahead: This could definitely be an autistic trait.
- He’s Extremely Impatient: Definitely an autistic trait.
So what is the difference? The most distinguishable difference I’ve been able to track has been INTENT. Narcissists intend to do the things they are doing as a manipulative tactic. They aren’t accidentally behaving this way, or missing the mark unknowingly. They are doing it on purpose.
If that’s the case, I must better understand whether he is doing this on purpose or with good intent. Up until last week, I had settled on the latter. But events that have transpired over the past week have rocked me and I am now second guessing his intent.
An Anonymous Journal 